


Now You Can Have The Christmas Of Your Dreams – Cheaper/Faster Than You Ever Imagined!

by mx-fawkes (SkippingCitrus)



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 12:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9606728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkippingCitrus/pseuds/mx-fawkes
Summary: This is nothing but fluffy nonsense.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is nothing but fluffy nonsense.

Roadhog hadn’t celebrated Christmas since before the outback had blown up, hadn’t celebrated it properly since the crisis. It had taken too much; anyone he would have wanted to celebrate with either dead or too far away to reach. Others had, parts of Junkertown lit up for all kinds of celebrations. He’d always have a drink at New Years, but for the past twenty years the day had been the same as any other.

Tonight was Christmas eve, and the day had definitely been worth celebrating. He’d spent it speeding through city streets, chasing after a loaded bank van as Junkrat alternated between trying to blow it up and shooting back at any police chasing them.

Junkrat had finally managed to throw a mine under it, sending it spinning through the air before it smashed straight through a metal fence. They’d leapt from the bike, blowing it open and taking as much cash as they could before the police caught back up. Then the chase was back on, outrunning the cops until they were well out of the city.

A distant clock tower struck midnight as they drove through a quiet suburb. Despite the late hour lights glowed from every house, Junkrat oohing at every lavishly decorated building. He’d been just as entranced by the ones in the city, anything bright and shiny catching his attention. Roadhog was more focused on the cars in every driveway. Expensive enough that this had to be a pretty wealthy neighbourhood.

He remained focused on the road until Junkrat tapped his shoulder, pointing at a dark spot further down the street. "Oi, there's a house over there without lights."  
As they got closer they could see that the decorations were there, just turned off. Unusual, given the date. Roadhog glanced up and down the street, the area deserted. "Reckon it's empty?"

Junkrat shrugged. "Worth checking out, even if it ain't these places look far enough apart nobody's gonna hear anything."

Roadhog pulled onto the empty driveway, bringing the bike around the side of the house as Junkrat leapt from the sidecar, peering into the windows for any signs of life. When he found none, he started checking the doors. The bike was well hidden beside a large bush by the time Junkrat found what he was looking for, a small plastic box attached to a side door. The box flashed red every few seconds, emitting a quiet beep each time.

Junkrat tapped at the case before pulling a handful of tools from his pockets. "Figured they'd have a proper security setup." He prised the plastic case off, examining the insides before snipping through two of the wires. The light stopped flashing, and Roadhog barely had to press on the door before it broke open.

The house was silent and shadowy. Distant lights from other houses slipped through gaps in the blinds, neatly slicing through the darkness. Looked normal enough.  
  
Junkrat crept up a nearby staircase, gripping onto the frag launcher tightly. He systematically searched the upstairs rooms, making sure it really was empty. Roadhog did the same downstairs, finding nobody, but noticing a calendar hanging in the hallway.

The pictures were dull, a series of "motivational" phrases over bland photos of nature. He wasn't interested in them, examining the dates below as he heard Junkrat's mismatched footsteps coming down the stairs. "Place is empty, dunno if they've just gone out or-"  
  
Roadhog shook his head, pointing at the date on the calendar. Neat handwriting said they’d gone to Switzerland two days ago, and weren’t planning to return tonight. "Not back for another week."  
  
“Right, no need to hurry away then.” Junkrat moved into the next room, looking around curiously. “There’s a nice bedroom upstairs, bed’s big enough for- Oi! C’mere quick!”  
  
Roadhog rushed towards him, hook in hand. Had he missed something?  
  
He paused in the doorway when he saw Junkrat casually leaning against a leather sofa. Junkrat grinned at him, staring somewhere above his head. “Might wanna look up mate.”  
  
Roadhog glanced up at the doorframe, barely an inch above his head. A small green plant was stuck there, brushing against his ponytail. Familiar hands came to rest on his stomach, and he looked down at Junkrat, who had snuck closer, looking almost proud of himself. Roadhog's smirk was hidden under the mask as he spoke. "That's holly, not mistletoe."  
  
Junkrat's shoulders slumped as he pouted, seeming almost deflated. But it only lasted a moment, quickly shrugged off as he pressed himself closer. "Can ya kiss me anyway?"  
  
Roadhog pretended to think it over, Junkrat bouncing with anticipation. They'd been in a relationship for months now, but Junkrat always seemed as excited as he had at the start. Same grin as the first time he'd sauntered up to Roadhog in a bank, asking for a good-luck kiss before he blew the vault door open.  
He pushed his mask up, pressing a quick kiss to Junkrat’s soot-covered forehead. "C'mon, let's go get some sleep."

The master bedroom was something straight out of an overpriced interior design magazine. The boxy furniture was all in harsh shades of black and white, and the whole room seemed devoid of clutter. The only items that showed anyone actually lived here were a post-it note on the bedside table, and a briefcase left by the door. The whole room felt slightly unreal, somehow less personal than the various motels they usually stayed in.  
  
The bed was huge, enough space for both of them to sleep comfortably. Its bedsheets were pristine, an almost clinical shade of white that was immediately ruined as Junkrat threw himself onto them. He kicked off his clothing as Roadhog stripped, dropping his armour to the floor with a heavy clunk before joining him.  
They curled up together, the energy of the earlier chase leaving them exhausted. Junkrat hummed quietly to himself, face pressed against Roadhog's chest.  
"Roadie?"  
  
Roadhog grunted in response.  
  
"Merry Christmas."


	2. Chapter 2

The sun was high in the sky by the time they woke up. They remained wrapped in each other for a while longer, letting the last of the fatigue slip away. Junkrat moved first, wriggling free and sitting up. He let out a low groan, bones cracking as he stretched his arms out wide. “Ready to move on? May as well raid the place first.”

Roadhog didn’t respond for a moment, watching the muscles in Junkrat’s back shift as he continued to stretch. “Owners aren’t coming back for a while.” He half shrugged as Junkrat turned to stare at him. “We can take a day off.”

Junkrat looked away, eyes wandering around the room. “You want to stay here? Play at being a couple of posh wankers?” He chewed on his lip. “Might be fun, but, just for today right? I can’t just sit around knowing how many suits are still waiting to be blown up!”

Roadhog nodded his agreement, slowly climbing out of bed. They couldn’t stay long even without anything pulling them onward. If any neighbours noticed that the house wasn’t empty they might investigate, or just call the police. Not a huge problem, but an annoyance he’d rather avoid.

Junkrat slid out of bed, quickly reattaching his leg before rushing into the attached bathroom. The black door clicked shut behind him, but it didn’t muffle his voice. “You remember that time we were in that huge bathtub together?”

Roadhog ran a hand over his face, still sitting at the edge of the bed. Most places they stayed didn’t even have baths, just cramped showers. “In the mountains? That was a hot tub.”

“Whatever, think the one here’s big enough if you wanna do it again.”

The bathroom was just as designer as the bedroom, featuring a large marble tub big enough for four people. They easily fit in together, filling the tub with near boiling water and bath oils.  

They spent close to an hour in it, warm water relaxing sore muscles as they washed each other’s hair, Junkrat kissing the moles on Roadhog’s back before complaining about the soapy taste.

Dried and dressed, they headed for the kitchen. It was another large room, made from marble and dark wood. Three huge stainless steel doors took up one wall, opening into a fridge and two freezers. The owners really hadn’t been gone for long, the fridge was full to bursting with fresh food.

“Wasteful.” Roadhog growled. Fresh fruit hadn’t been cheap in the outback, and even now they were mostly living off packaged food that would last on the road. He made a mental note to eat as much as they could before they left.

The cupboards were just as packed, and they helped themselves to anything that looked like it could be cooked on the move, carrying it out to stash on the bike. It would easily last them a couple of weeks, longer if they supplemented it with any food they could find along the way.

When they were done Junkrat surveyed the kitchen, hands on his hips. “Reckon I could make a pretty excellent dinner here.”

Roadhog looked at him sceptically. “You know what you’re doing?”

Junkrat scoffed. “Course, back in Junkertown I was a barbeque master.” He sounded more offended than Roadhog had expected. He’d never really taken Junkrat for a serious cook. He was excellent at foraging, trapping and assembling what he’d found into a decent fireside meal, but Roadhog had never seen him make anything in an actual kitchen before.

“You ever cook a proper Christmas dinner?”

Junkrat shrugged, already piling food on the counters. “Nope. Bet I can make ya something better though!” He paused for a while by the spice rack, opening the pots and sniffing each blend.

Roadhog wasn’t convinced. It probably wouldn’t be completely inedible, and he’d eat whatever Junkrat gave him without complaint, but he didn’t have high hopes. “Need any help?”

Junkrat waved him off, seemingly thinking things over. “Nah, I wanna do it myself, give you a nice treat.” He launched into action, gathering things as he got to work.

Roadhog watched him, a small smile under the mask. Junkrat was cheerfully slicing ingredients, rambling about things he’d tried before that had tasted nice.

Roadhog listened for a while, eyes wandering around the room before he noticed an old fashioned radio on the counter. He switched it on, waiting for it to connect.

It defaulted to a news station and he listened for a while, most of it big international news he didn’t really care about. When it became clear they weren’t going to be mentioned he switched it onto the next channel. Really, a high-speed chase whole shooting bombs didn’t merit the news anymore?

“And the current stock prices are-” Next. “-latest updates on investment banking-” No. “-Political advice-” No. “-24 hour classical concerts-” He ignored Junkrat’s yell to keep it on, skipping through stations until he found what he was looking for.

Christmas music was the same every year. The song playing was one he recognised from before the crisis, probably had been playing since long before he was born. He had listened to it while opening presents with his family as a kid, it was on a playlist his mum put on every year. She always sang along, until-

“ROAAADIE~!! Y’gone deaf already?” He shook his head, clearing away the memories. He turned back to Junkrat, who was staring at him with a pout. “I said the food’s done.”

He took the offered plate with a quiet thanks, following Junkrat through into the living room.

Expensive, Empty, it seemed to be a running theme here. There was a small tree in the corner, a black screen taking up most of a wall and a large leather sofa in the centre, Junkrat nearly spilling food everywhere as he dropped onto it. Roadhog flopped down next to him, pushing his mask up enough to eat.

He cautiously took a small bite first, letting out a satisfied groan as soon as he tasted it. The food was delicious, fried tofu in a spicy sauce piled high on top of a heap of roasted vegetables. He tucked in, not noticing Junkrat watching him eat with a proud smile. It had been a while since he’s gotten the chance to cook, and he was glad he’d been able to make something great for his partner.   

Roadhog back looked over at Junkrat, who was shoving tofu into his mouth, barely tasting the food he’d put such effort into making.

"Where'd you learn to cook?" He’d wondered for a while where Junkrat got half of his skills, he’d never mentioned doing anything other than scrapping and tinkering. No kitchen work, or even anything of his family. Roadhog tried to ignore the times before he was a junker, but sometimes he suspected Junkrat didn’t even remember.

Junkrat mumbled something around his food before swallowing. "Never really got taught, just asked what people did to theirs. Couldn't afford to get much in the way of ingredients, but some of the markets had stuff cheap, and there was always plants you could eat if you went far enough out.” 

Even if they managed to grow, any plants that close to the core would be soaked in radiation. He’d always wondered how Junkrat seemed to be more affected by radiation sickness than half of Junkertown, had assumed it had just been from his scrapping in the omnic ruins. But no, given the choice between starvation and radiation poisoning Junkrat had gone with the choice that would buy him a little more time. A few more years of fighting for survival. Roadhog could only be thankful he did.

Junkrat continued to talk, staring at his plate. “Ate bush potatoes a lot, people were farming them out east so they were pretty cheap, and you could always just steal a few if you were that bad off. Further out there was this big field of Parakeelya, this old guy showed me how ya can eat the leaves off ‘em.”

He continued to pick at his food as he talked, seeming almost lost in memory. “Sometimes the markets had stuff from really far out, but I couldn’t afford much of that.”

He giggled to himself for a moment, and Roadhog could almost see the gears turning in his head before he turned to Roadhog with a grin. "Y' ever eaten a pigface?"

Roadhog’s head tilted. "No."

"They're like these, little sweet red fruit things." He held his fingers a couple centimetres apart, showing the size. "Don't grow anywhere close to the core but you could get 'em from the markets sometimes."

He dropped his empty plate to the floor, leaning against Roadhog and batting his eyes. “’Course, now I’d much rather eat your sweet pigface…”

Roadhog snorted, bursting into loud laughter as Junkrat collapsed into giggles beside him. He pulled Junkrat onto his lap, wrapping strong arms around his partner’s skinny body as he peppered his face with quick kisses. It was a ridiculous line, but he loved it. Or rather, he loved the person who said it, and that made it brillant. 

They sat together for a while, listening to the quiet music coming from the kitchen while basking in the rare warmth of a good meal and a place to relax. They eventually got restless though, Junkrat turning his attention to the tree. "It is Christmas, wanna open some presents?"

They moved to sit in front of the tree, Junkrat tossing a box towards Roadhog before grabbing one for himself. "Alright, let's see what we got!"

His first gift was wrapped in heavy black paper, torn away to reveal a games console. A little disappointing, too bulky to easily carry around, and not worth the trouble for how rarely they'd get to use it. "Can always break it for parts, what did you get?"

Roadhog picked up his own gift, the wrapping paper covered in cutesy cartoon penguins. He pulled it off more carefully, looking at the product inside with interest. "Bath products."

Junkrat frowned. "Who gives soap as a gift? That's cold."

Roadhog shook his head, lifting his mask higher so he could smell the box. "It's fancy soap. Lots of people gift it." Junkrat didn’t look convinced, grabbing another parcel.

He pulled the paper open, gasping with delight before rewrapping it and passing it over to Roadhog. It was a tiny parcel, and Roadhog couldn't help but smile once he opened it. A pachimari keychain, looked like real gold. He was absolutely attaching it to his gun.

They took turns opening the rest of the boxes, most of the presents nothing of use to either of them. Some it was small and expensive enough to be worth keeping to pawn later, the rest of it was dumped in a pile on the floor

Once the presents were done with they went back to the sofa. Roadhog setting the large TV to a cheesy Christmas special as Junkrat started taking apart the games console. It was a familiar way to spend the evening, almost routine.  

The both drifted into just sitting together, Junkrat curled against Roadhog's side, as a large arm held him close. The TV droned in the background as they started to fall asleep, Junkrat mumbling about plans for tomorrow.

The moment was shattered at the sound of a car in the driveway.

They both jumped to their feet, Junkrat peering outside as Roadhog gathered their things. "Thought they weren't getting back for ages?" he hissed, leaving the window to help.

Car doors slammed shut as the couple got out, both screaming at each other as the Junkers got ready to leave. One or both of them had ruined the vacation, and it sounded like the argument had been going the whole drive home.

They came through the front door as the Junkers ran through the side, neither of them noticing the break in until the bike engine roared to life, bringing them both running to the window. They stared as they drove away, Junkrat pulling faces until they were out of sight.

The sun was already setting as they made it out of the suburbs, orange flooding the clear sky. Roadhog appreciated the view for a while, it was beautiful, but not exactly festive. "Next year. We should go somewhere that actually gets snow."

Junkrat hummed, sprawled out lazily in the sidecar. "Don't need to wait that long mate, we could be in Russia by New Year’s Eve!"

They kept driving north, not heading anywhere in particular. Junkrat started singing carols after a while, loud, off-key and missing half the words. Roadhog soon sang along, not doing any better. Their first Christmas together, and he wouldn't change it for any other. 


End file.
